Why does my brain hate me?

And other questions from an anxious over-thinker.

After a lifetime of high-functioning anxiety, a few years ago I went looking for answers.

Hey Google….

🙋‍♀️ Why does completing tasks I’m not interested in feel like that scene from The NeverEnding Story?

(Not familiar? Look up what happened to Artax the horse)*

🙋‍♀️ Why do I constantly feel like I’m pissing everyone off (despite having 0 evidence to back it up…) and confrontation leaves my body vibrating uncomfortably for hours if not days afterwards?

🙋‍♀️ Why do I jump to the 10 things that could go wrong, not the 10 things that could go right, spinning a story so farfetched even the writers of Eastenders would wince at its implausibility?

🙋‍♀️ Why do I have to write down everything and put it in front of me, set reminders and keep messages on ‘unread’ in an attempt to avoid the thought/to-do/person disappearing from my mind forever?

🙋‍♀️ Why do I need to sit on my lonesome and blast white noise (especially when I’m around other people) in order to concentrate?

🙋‍♀️ Why does it feel like I’m being chased by a f*cking bear when my routine changes last-minute, or I have to do certain tasks (the simple sh*t other people don’t even think twice about)?

🙋‍♀️ Doesn’t everyone have a constant radio station of thoughts (usually negative) jabbering on at them 24/7?

🙋‍♀️ Why does my brain hate me?

No reader, I did not ask these specific questions (at the time Chat GPT was still just a twinkle in a developer’s eye, and Google doesn’t quite answer Qs like that…), but I did A LOT of research.

I became fixated on how brains work and what causes anxiety and depression -something I’d suffered from for years.

What did I find?

Well, that thing that I’d been led to believe only hyperactive naughty little boys had…hmm, well, maybe I (a grown woman in her 30s) probably had that too.

📣 Gimmie an A

📣 Gimmie a D

📣 Gimmie an H

📣 Gimmie a D

What seems bleedin’ obvious now has taken me decades to get to. Here’s why:

🧠 ADHD can manifest differently in girls compared to boys. Boys with ADHD often exhibit hyperactive and impulsive behaviour, making their symptoms more noticeable. On the other hand, girls with ADHD tend to display more internalising symptoms, such as inattentiveness and daydreaming, which may not be as readily recognised as ADHD symptoms.

🧠 Girls are more likely to have the inattentive type of ADHD, which may not be as disruptive in a classroom setting compared to the hyperactive-impulsive type more commonly seen in boys. Inattentive symptoms include difficulty sustaining attention, being easily distracted, and appearing forgetful or disorganised.

🧠 Girls with ADHD may be better at masking their symptoms in social settings by internalising their struggles, trying to conform to societal expectations, or developing coping mechanisms to compensate for their difficulties. This can make it harder for healthcare and/or education professionals to identify ADHD in girls.

🧠 Due to the differences in symptom presentation and societal expectations, ADHD in girls has historically been underdiagnosed or misdiagnosed as other conditions such as anxiety or depression. This may stem from healthcare professionals' biases and limited awareness of how ADHD presents in females.

🧠 Hormonal changes during puberty, menstruation, pregnancy and menopause can also affect ADHD symptoms in girls and women. Fluctuations in hormone levels may exacerbate symptoms or make them more apparent, leading to a later diagnosis in some cases.

🧠 There has been a historical gender bias in ADHD research and diagnostic criteria, with studies primarily focused on male populations. As a result, diagnostic criteria may have overlooked or downplayed symptoms more commonly seen in girls and women.

Now, onto the funniest - if you don’t laugh you’ll cry - part of my story.

After collecting all of this knowledge like an overenthusiastic Girl Scout and experiencing the biggest ‘gotcha’ moment of my life, I got pregnant. All focus either went onto my tiny human or my job, a manic start-up where I was juggling the jobs of 4 people (and then some).

It was only AFTER I gave birth and my estrogen dropped like a lead balloon that my symptoms came back with bells on, hitting me with the intensity of a f*cking freight train. I was diagnosed with PND* and my journey to diagnosis began again.

At the risk of sounding too nauseating (#sorrynotsorry), I’ve been on quite the trip. I’m now on a mission to utilise every scrap of useful knowledge I gain to help others try to understand their brains too. Because we all deserve that much, don’t we?

So, here we are.

Thank you for reading, and if this resonates with you please reach out.

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Did you know…

• 1 in 4 women with ADHD have attempted suicide.

• The suicide risk is 5x higher for people with ADHD.

• Adults couldn’t be diagnosed with ADHD in the UK until 2008.

• The waiting list for diagnosis in the UK is currently (on average) 3 years, although ‘Right to choose’ providers can help speed this along.

*The rumours are not true and thankfully Artax the horse did not die during filming. Children everywhere, however, remain traumatised.

*PND = ‘Post Natal Depression’ - not specifically related to ADHD but perhaps a 2nd cousin twice removed (if you catch my drift).